The Fish Story
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•May 6, 2015
What’s Left of My First Amendment Rights; When Big Bluefish Get Their LBI Freak On
GOTCHA, VIA GARLAND: It was one of those trying weeks for First Amendment rights. I have Garland-ish questions about the acceptability of letting cartoonishly crazy people openly taunt even crazier…
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•April 30, 2015
Feast for Recyclers, Cannibals Alike; Big Blues Hit High Note for Anglers
I’ve got some truly savory items for experimental meat-eaters – I’m talkin’ insanely out-there eaters.
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•April 23, 2015
Sorry, Your Buoy Is Dead, Ma’am; That Ticking Sound Is Here Again
E-SEEKING OF VANISHED BUOY: Greetings Jay, Do you know what happened to the ‘danger’ navigational marker buoy in the bay off of Holgate? There has been an osprey nest on it for as long as I can…
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•April 15, 2015
Callie Cops Acting Horrifically; Captive Dolphin in Petting Pools
I have to begin by touching on a couple newsy things, just for the non-angling hell of it.
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•April 8, 2015
Opossum Blood vs. Russell’s Vipers; Wildfires Could Be Blowin’ in the Wind
SAVE ME, POSSUM BLOOD: Picture a decidedly unattractive local mammal being used to save thousands of lives in India.
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•April 1, 2015
Transhumanism to the Night Rescue; Releasing Loads of GMO Mosquitoes
JUST DROPPED IN: I need to pass on possibly the greatest advancement in nighttime fishing since glow sticks, night vision glasses and that successful divorce. It stems from see-in-the-dark eye drops…
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•March 24, 2015
Rightly Picking the Wrong Finger; Ravens Have History Hereabouts
As we inch and claw toward warmer times, I did get in a bit of revenge – on the first day of spring, much less.
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•March 17, 2015
No Hiding From Terreur Uil; Island Becomes Link to Mink
Off we go to the town of Purmerend in the Netherlands, where life is finally looking down – which is a good thing. Daily life in that near-Amsterdam town had become a highly tense “Heads-up!” affair…
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•March 12, 2015
Cows Offering a Dose of Human Milk; White-Tails Tiring of Being Vegetarians
I’ve been duly alerted to humanized cows being raised around the world, including the America heartland. These cows are being manually beefed up on human cells. Ostensibly, the manly cattle in…
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•March 5, 2015
Don’t Rant About Road Rage; Humans Don’t Stink Up Birds
RAGE ON – AND OFF: I was introduced to a website offering ways to avoid road rage. Even before clicking on it, I suspected that holding a Glock .45 caliber handgun up to the driver’s side window…
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•February 26, 2015
Reaching Out to My Fellow Panspermians; Be Assured, Nothing to Fear In Loveladies
INTERPLANETARY SEED BOMBS: Last week I wrote about garden guerrillas delivering milkweed seed bombs upon any unused cracks, crevices or fields in our environs. It’s an effort to save the fading…
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•February 19, 2015
Seals On-Scene and Being Seen; Monarchs Need a Few Good Guerrillas
I’m not for torture, which is an awful thing. But, hypothetically speaking, I believe a couple/few water-boardings would not be out of line for whoever invented the expression “Cold enough for ya?”…
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•February 12, 2015
Mackerel Forced to Make It With Tuna; Furor Over Polar Vortexes Hits the Skids
Well, it’s back into the deep-freeze this week, hopefully for the last time this winter. They say we have to watch out for single-digit lows. I have a single digit I’d like to offer winter.
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•February 5, 2015
Brain of a Prof-Faced Mouse; Italian Ice Mummy Shows His Tats
While this column is a sucker for tales of the wild, wacky and weird, it steers clear of that which lies just beyond, namely the fully freaky zone. However, now and again, the freaky zone oozes in.…
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•January 29, 2015
Doing a Full Face-Plant on Maui; Hoping to ‘Urn’ a Life Amid Ashes
Now, that was a pretty blah blizzard. In fact, it was pretty much missing the lizzard, if you get my drift.
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•January 22, 2015
This Coffee Tastes Like Elephants; An Iron With Something Hot to Say
Last week, I wrote about owl pellets and seal scat. Soon after, I get a scat-ish e-message from a couple I know who overwinter in Thailand. Show-offs.
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•January 15, 2015
It’s the Season of the Seals; The Future Should Be a Gas
We’re well into winter and it’s sorta shaping up to be nothin’ overly miserable … knock on ice. Sure, we’ve seen a few frigid-air days and nights, but I see more skin-sensible air moving in for this…
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•January 7, 2015
Those Dirty Little Ground Squirrels; Island Might Not Be Right for Many
DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE GROUND SQUIRRELS: Global warmists have hit a new high, or should I say low, in freakiness. Those enthusiasts of abnormal nature have added a new culprit to the ever-growing…
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•December 18, 2014
My Apologies to the Christmas Pickle; From Now on Just Call Me Lizardmann
Being single and kid-less, I sometimes feel really out of the Christmas loop. Along those same lines, I often get asked why I never married. Let’s just say I had something of a disconnect from…
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•December 10, 2014
Sneak-attack Nor’easter Ate Mightily; Bad Time to Be a NJ Black Bear
Well, that sneak-attack nor’easter on Tuesday did one bang-up job on the Island’s entire beachline. Erosion feasted on even the widest of beaches.
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•December 3, 2014
America Should Bag the Future; It’s Time to Take a Tooth Count
NOSTRAJAYMUS: During a recent, high-intensity, grocery-buying event, I watched as grocery bags were filling like reservoirs. It was a little in-line to-do that caught my eye. It was over plastic…
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•November 26, 2014
Beware Days With Tiny Words; Finally, a Wedding Gown That Fits
I stayed up late Monday night, watching the social upheaval in Ferguson. Personally, I was aghast over the court’s decision. No, not the indictment. I refuse to ponder that legal malarkey. I was…
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•November 19, 2014
Making the South End Number One; Even Bambi Can Be a Forest Mauler
OK, who was the numbnuts who kept begging for west winds to persevere so ocean temps would drop and bassing would begin in autumnal earnestness? Oh, right, that was me, wasn’t it? Hey, egging on the…
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•November 13, 2014
Depending on Angler Undies; Enough Oil to Drown OPEC
ANGLER UNDIES: As a sports writer, I got an offer for free samples of the latest Depend line of underwear for men. It’s part of the company’s emerging effort to convince every age group of an…
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•November 5, 2014
Vulnerable Private Parts of Eagles; Just Drive Thru and Offer Condolences
Remarkably, I’m marking my 25th consecutive year here at The SandPaper. Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. Please, stay seated.
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•October 30, 2014
Better Not Mess With Nurses; Weird Year Sticks to Its Guns
NURSE-BASHERS BEWARE: Some of the greatest heroes on this planet are nurses. In many ways, they know no fear – or, at least, show no fear – in the face of hideousness, be it sickness or trauma. Like…
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•October 22, 2014
National Bird Makes Holgate Stop; LBI Classic Off the Striper Snide
EAGLE DAZED: Over the weekend, I saw my first Holgate bald eagle. It was all but oozing, “You do realize what I am, right? National bird? American symbol?”
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•October 15, 2014
It’s Calming Being So Seedy; Wild Cranberries Go Missing
It is officially Indian Summer, as air temps have gotten well into the 70s this week – after a night of freezing a week or so back. Without a night of 32 degrees or lower, prior to a warm-up, there…
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•October 8, 2014
Taking Measure of Tens of Thousands; It’s Great Being On-the-Blink Again
FREAKY TIMES TEN THOUSAND: What do you get when you mix big brains at Stanford University and the University of Delaware? You end up with a mathematical concept so bizarre it uses10 side-by-side…
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•October 1, 2014
A Smokin’ Tarpon Anniversary; Gray Squirrels Are Pure Locals
CELEBRATING THEIR TARPON ANNIVERSARY: I got an invite to a little 30th wedding anniversary event being thrown by a fishing buddy and his wife. What a connubial success story; 30 years of matrimonial…
