BOTTOMS UP: I’m in the dark as to why we persist with these annual clock backs and forths. The hour swings are traumatic to all our coveted circadian rhythms, which has gotten me deeply thinking, which is seldomly a good thing … until now, maybe.

In an uncustomary burst of pure genius, I have conceived of a compromise to permanently rid us of this pesterous time changing. I’m hereby requesting all y’all – and the entire nation – to join me in turning clocks and watches back by … half an hour.