Have you gotten this email yet?
Subject: COVID 19 UPDATE

To our valued customer,

At -insert name of company- our first priority is caring for you, along with our employees and communities. We understand the worry that can be caused by an unexpected crisis such as Coronavirus (COVID-19), especially when it comes to your family. We are working to provide the same customer service you have come to expect from us. We are here to help.

We want you, our valued customer, to know that -insert name of company- is here for you through these troubling times. However, we are experiencing a higher volume of calls and emails. At this juncture, we don’t really know what we can possibly do for you. I mean, we may be able to waive late fees. Well, that’s if the federal government cuts us a big fat check, in which case, you’re good for a couple of weeks. What the hell do I know …  I’m writing this email from my kitchen. I’m glad to have a job. But should the government cut you a check, you should use it to pay your bill. Because, one way or another, you’re going to keep paying us. So maybe keep trying our phone line or try an online chat after you’ve answered a bunch of questions.

But know that we are here for you. Please do not reply to this email.

Banks, service providers, mortgage companies, utilities, Netflix … they’ve all sent some version of that letter to all of us. And I can only wonder if anyone has responded. What would that return email look like?

To whom it may concern,

Hey, thanks so much for reaching out. You know, come to think of it, I could use a little help. We’ve been in the house for almost three weeks now except trips to the grocery store and the hardware store and the liquor store, and we went up to the boardwalk until that got shut down, and then back to the liquor store.

Anyway, the family has been cooking three meals a day, which we are definitely not used to. What a mess! Do you have any idea how much time we spend washing dishes?

Also, we’re really getting tired of watching Pixar movies, so we’ve been letting the kids watch flicks with us that we normally wouldn’t. Do you think it’s OK to let a 6-year-old watch “The Hangover”? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter because she already did. We might try “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” The kids like Steve Carrell from watching “The Office.” It should be OK, right? Maybe?

The supermarket was out of our usual brand of dog food and this other stuff doesn’t agree with Snoopy’s stomach, so he has gas all day. Tuesday of last week was nice out so we were able to open the windows. Or was it Thursday? I don’t even know. It’s been raining since then. What day is today?

We’re getting tight on money. We can’t get our deposit back on the cruise we were going to take for spring break. The cruise line offered us a “virtual cruise” instead. That should take up some time on the next rainy Sunday.

Meantime, my spouse got laid off. I am working from home. Working in my pj’s used to sound so good, until I realized that I have to spend most of the day homeschooling. Man, the teacher always says my son is good in school, but he’s such a little douche at home. Just read the passage … Just read the book, so we can be done with it!

I have to work from the kitchen, just like you. Normally I would just bring the kids to my parents’ house in Waretown, but apparently if I do that, my parents die. And I need them alive because they need to watch the kids every single day this summer while I work three side hustles to dig us out of debt.

Anyway, I feel like maybe I’m getting a fever, and it just feels like my chest is really tight. But we’re not sure where we stand with health insurance since losing the job and all, so probably just gonna run to CVS and get some Gatorade. What’s your favorite flavor?

Later,

Me 🙂

THE NEW (ANYTHING BUT) NORMAL: I have not forgotten that Liquid Lines is a surfing column at its core. We will get to the nuts and bolts about the waves in a bit, but surfing seems to be meshed in with the current unusual happenings around the world.