JUST KIDDING, TOM: I’m proud to have been raised on the beach, where, as a small child, the local Native American tribe would see me joyously frolicking in the foam with the sandcrabs, burying myself to feed on tiny worms before bursting forth as the waves receded. The Indians were moved to spiritually name me Dances With Assorted Crustaceans And Small Shore Birds Including Piping Plover And Sand Pipers But Not Excluding More Migratory Species – “J” for short.

The tribe’s chief, whom I called Grandmother – he was far ahead of his time with the whole gender-bending thing –…