I can’t tell you how excited I am that we have entered the age of “alternative facts.” It sure does make my life a lot easier.

What a relief. As a reporter and columnist, I no longer have to do silly things like “research,” and get bogged down with abstract notions like “the truth.” From here on out, every time I surf, I will report the greatest waves anyone has ever seen. Onshore winds become offshore winds. Two foot is now overhead.