It is with great regret we inform you of the passing of our Lady Kenmore, five-cycle washing machine to the great agitator in the sky.

Ms. Kenmore lived a long and sandy life (15 to be exact), and worked diligently her entire warranty. She arrived on Long Beach Island in the summer of 1998, and resided there her entire cycle. She is survived by her set mate, Mr. Kenmore, better known by his nickname, “The Shrinker,” as every garment that visits him comes out a size or two smaller.