The Fish Story
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•May 16, 2018
Imitating Nature Is in Man’s Nature; Using Prayers to Help Mushy Bait
As recent rains came pummeling down, I idled at my work desk wondering what to wonder about -being a pathological wonderer, which I, uh, often wonder about. Hey, it was raining real hard, a’right?…
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•May 9, 2018
It’s Ugly Times for Elvers; Tick Talk Around the Clock
A SLIPPERY SLOPE FOR ELVERS: The elver showing in Ocean County’s backbay areas is on a slippery slope. This year, the local creeks they follow from bay to freshwater haunts are sadly lacking their…
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•May 2, 2018
Slow Down in Ship Bottom’s ‘No Tsunami’ Zones; I Unanxiously Await a Donkey Milk Chocolate Bar
HELL AND HIGH WATER: In the wake of growingly regular flood events – caused as much by a sinking, eroding Island as so-far-slight sea rise – Ship Bottom is tearing a page from the boating realm by…
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•April 25, 2018
Get Skillet Ready for Florida Jurassic Salmon; ‘Mammophant’ Is Right Around the Harvard Bend
AfterI wroteabout huge, nearshore salmon farms in the making in Norway, a buddy from Florida sent me a news flash about soon-to-arrive farmed Alaskan-ilk salmon … fresh from Florida! Say what!?
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•April 18, 2018
Wicked Winters Start a Pendulum Swing; Unidentified Fishing Object Hits Norway
I liken this past weekend to an anglerfish. An anglerfish is a bottom-feeding lump of piscatorial ugliness. It lies in wait in the mud, enticing forage fish to its cavernous mouth by dangling one of…
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•April 11, 2018
Your Personal Pothole Guy; The Future Will Hopefully Blow You Away
I’m on a piss-’em-all-off roll. Last week, I managed to highly annoy both thefor andagainst sides of the ban-the-plastic-bags issue. So why not keep the venom flowing this week by dissing most…
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•April 4, 2018
Nostrajaymous at Your Foretelling Service; The Causeway Could Become a Cakewalk
MY JETTYISH SOOTHSAYING: I had some outside reactions to last week’s columnistic mention of a jumbo jetty planned for the Wooden Jetty zone, Holgate. Those reactions allow me to assume my…
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•March 28, 2018
Plastic Bag Bans on the Other Foot; So, an Owl and Piping Plover Walk Into a Bar
DAMN THE BAN, PER SOME: As someone who dogmatically preaches de-littering and de-polluting the planet – and having vocally championed plastic bag bans – it’s with a reusable bag’s worth of…
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•March 14, 2018
Hope for the Snake-Bit of the World; Snow Lightning Takes a Winter Toll
TOXINS … MEET YOUR MATCH: The World Health Organization has estimated that a mind-numbing 94,000 people die each year from poisonous snakebites. That’s hundreds a day. Ouch!
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•March 7, 2018
Dodging a Not-Everyday Bombogenesis; Perfect Time to Check Yourself Out
You’ve heard of dodging a bullet. Over the weekend, the Island dodged a bombogenesis. Bombogenesis is a coined word for an explosive storm that forms off the Eastern Seaboard in nothing flat…
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•February 28, 2018
Bacterial Gold Beckons From Superfund Sites; Kids’ Revenge in the Olden Clamming Days
I’m hereby dedicating the upcoming summer to mining gold … from nearby Superfund sites. That surely needs some serious explaining.
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•February 21, 2018
When Warmbirds Return to Shore; Acquiring a Most Needless of Must-Haves
Welcome back to all you warmbirds. No, I don’t mean snowbirds, which comprise a whole other flock – a flock not all that ready to return from tropicalish climes. Brats.
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•February 14, 2018
When Manahawkin Puma Roamed Freely, Circa 1980; Cryogenically Preserved Germs Might Be Emerging
I TAWT I TAW A PUDDY TAT!: It was a mind-blowing night drive along Hilliard Boulevard in Manahawkin. Let’s see, it was 1980, give or take a couple/few years. It began no differently than a thousand…
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•January 31, 2018
Sexy Stormy Turns Investigative Reporter; Black Sand Shouldn’t Discolor the Summer
Regularly, this squeaky-clean column would never think of touching the likes of a well-endowed, bombshell adult film star. However, I must duly make an exception in the case of “award-winning,”…
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•January 17, 2018
How Life In Hawaii All Ends Or Not; Barnegat Bay Prefers a Low Road-Salt Diet
How can I not wax unpoetic over what just took place in my old stomping grounds of Hawaii? I have been bombarded by startling information on what was, initially, something of a distantly laughable…
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•January 10, 2018
Frigid Isn’t Cold Enough to Kill Boring Beetles; Sinking Ocean Bottoms Could Spark Tsunamis
I’m back at work … alert the media. Oh, that’s right, I am the media.
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•December 20, 2017
Ending on Merry and/or SAD Note; When Surf Clam Fights Ruled the Sandbars
It’s time to wish all y’all a very Merry Christmas – and a hearty Happy Holidays to those of you who celebrate other Christmasesque events nowabouts. Hey, it’s all good when wishing merriness and…
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•December 13, 2017
That Might Be Rocky Rocking the Rafters; Surf Classic Refuses to Live Up to Name
SQUIRREL HAUNTINGS: It’s the time of year when nature nonchalantly invites itself indoors, opting out of outdoor frigidity, instead targeting all the luxuries of home, sweet, home … ours. It’s well…
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•December 6, 2017
Booms Continue to Baffle World; Surfcasting in Proper Yoga Posture
Last week, a news story inThe Sun of London took on the topic of the weird, unattributable booms being heard around the world. The headline read: “Big Bang – Mystery as terrifying loud ‘booms’ are…
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•November 28, 2017
Boat Bassers Bang Away at ‘Slobs’; New Species Forming in the Galapagos
Our beaches are bass forsaken; yet our nearshore waters are bass blessed. That’s cruel for surfcasters but a bonanza for those who have left their vessels in-water, or are adept at the manly art of…
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•November 22, 2017
Surfcasting Could Surely Be Bassier; When Nixon Sauntered Into Our Burger King
While our fishing for autumnal striped bass traditionally carries on through December and occasionally into the wee hours of the coming year – a few folks fishing them into January – the time for…
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•November 15, 2017
Your Hair Looks Marvelous, Dude; Bass Nabbed By the Boatload
WELL, AM I?: I might have to add a new segment to this column, dubbing it “Am I really hearing this!?” Such was my thinking on Sunday when I was brought to a state of total WTF-ness by a very kindly…
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•November 7, 2017
LBI Locals Go All Peter, Paul and Mary; Tale Behind Surf City’s Big-Ass Bass
WHERE HAVE ALL THE LOCALS GONE?: It’s hard to imagine Long Beach Island someday filling a chapter in a book called, “Ghost Towns of the Jersey Shore.” But, in a weird way, we’re moving toward it – by…
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•October 31, 2017
When Tilapia and Crabs Are Stoned, It’s Marijuana and Prozac to Blame
As column doorbusters this week, I’m offering reports of Lebanese tilapia being fed Middle East cannabis oil, followed by Portlandia crabs so cranked up on the antidepressant Prozac that they choose…
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•October 25, 2017
Converting Salmon Into Nuclear Warheads; Famed Words Nikita Never Uttered
SAY WHAT?!: Here’s a fish processing story that not only stinks, politically speaking, but could reek of radioactive fallout.
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•October 18, 2017
Stinking Clams Spoiling to Use Gas Warfare; No El Niño or La Niña Leaves Us Le Neutral
PLANET OF THE CLAMS: I had me a great clam and veggie chowder over the weekend. Then, don’t I go and read that those same tasty bivalves are out to get us by quietly adding poisonous gases to our…
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•October 11, 2017
Plastics May Soon Be Going to Your Brain; Pompano Passing Through to Florida
Do the fish you’re catching seem to be somehow slower, maybe not as focused on the fact they’ve been hooked? “Looks like I’m hooked … whatever.” Well, those fish just might have plastics on the brain…
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•October 3, 2017
When Local Wildlife Becomes Bloody Pain in the Neck; Classic Readies Special Launch
I gotta begin with an LBI, highly freakafied story that’ll stand your neck hairs a bit on end. It’s also one of those things that’ll stick with you far into the night, if not forever. Just don’t let…
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•September 26, 2017
Sound of Unsilence Penetrates Astoundingly; Craft Beer With Killer Kick
We had a new moon last week, meaning it was the darkest night of the month, at least astronomically speaking.
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•September 19, 2017
Long-winded Hurricane More Kindly Than Cruel; Not Long for Mulleting to Turn Maddening
Well, if we really must get a hurricane – you know, as an odd form of empathizing with those whoreally had hurricanes – Jose is the way to go. His clean, fresh, northerly winds and a power spattering…
